Lemme Heffernan
Mother’s Day
Auto-Generated Transcript
Intro:
Chew with a guy named Kevin, chew it, and this other guy, Steve, chew it from the TV and the mobs, and now this podcast, straight chew it. They’re going to get chewy chewing. They might even get me chew it, but they’re going to get funky on this podcast.
Kevin Heffernan:
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Chewing It. We’re back in business again here. Well, now that we’re back in business, we got to get back in business. We got some sponsors. We got to get back with the sponsors. You know what I’m saying? Keep the lights on. This week’s episode is brought to you by Indochino. Indochino is the world’s most exciting made to measure men’s wear company. I’m a kind of a big guy. You might know that I have kind of a weird shape to me, and I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that while I’m not a big suit wearer, everyone needs a suit, right? For weddings or whatever else. When I get a made to measure suit, it fits better. It fits better than the Off the Rack suit in Chino. They make suits and shirts to your exact measurements for an unparalleled fit and comfort.
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What do you eat?
Steve Lemme:
I am eating something mildly tasty. Okay. I’m eating an underwear burrito.
Kevin Heffernan:
Underwear, burrito. Weren’t you just eating that in episode 1 0 7? Is that episode seven of Tacoma fte?
Steve Lemme:
Yes. In the old flame episode. Is
Kevin Heffernan:
That a spoiler alert? Could perhaps. Could be a spoiler alert. Could be. Spoiler alert.
Steve Lemme:
It’s okay. This that episode came out last week.
Kevin Heffernan:
True
Steve Lemme:
On true tv.
Kevin Heffernan:
Hopefully people saw it, but if not, I mean, it’s not like you ruin
Steve Lemme:
Anything. No, no. You’d be all right.
Kevin Heffernan:
You’ll be, you’ll be all you’ll get through it. Yeah. Nice.
Steve Lemme:
What is delicious? What were you eating?
Kevin Heffernan:
Tuna fish casserole.
Steve Lemme:
Get the fuck out of
Kevin Heffernan:
Here. Yeah. You want to know why? It’s one of the things my mom used to make when I was a kid. You know what? Today is What? Mother’s Day.
Steve Lemme:
Okay, here wait, let’s start over. Let’s over why? You’ve got the right idea. I’m going to do something. My mom, I’m going to do something my mom made for me.
Kevin Heffernan:
You can say it anyway. Oh, my mom used to make Bobby
Steve Lemme:
Blah. Used for me. Well, I will say it. I will say it.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. But anyway, it’s Mother’s Day.
Steve Lemme:
Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
And we’re in Minneapolis.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
And I don’t think we’ve ever recorded a podcast on Mother’s Day before ever.
Steve Lemme:
Have we ever recorded a Mother’s Day podcast?
Kevin Heffernan:
Have we ever recorded a Sunday podcast? I don’t know that we have. So it’s got to be the first time we’ve ever done a Mother’s Day podcast.
Steve Lemme:
A Mother’s Day on a Sunday podcast.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. Happy Mother’s Day. Let me,
Steve Lemme:
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Kev.
Kevin Heffernan:
I said to my wife, I said on the phone, I said to her, Hey, because on the road, so we’re not even there. I said, happy, happy Mother’s Day to her. You know what she said? What? I’m not your mother.
Steve Lemme:
Oh shit. It’s funny because the last two times, but
Kevin Heffernan:
She said to me, I’m not your mother. The
Steve Lemme:
Last two times I’ve been in the car when your wife has been on speakerphone. Yeah. The second to last time was she was very beleaguered. Okay. That was the one. Do you remember? She was like, Hey, yeah, yeah. The kid’s got to do this. Yeah. Okay. Bye. And hung up the phone and we looked at each other. You’re like, that’s the sound of a tired mom. Yeah. Right
Kevin Heffernan:
There. Well, you know, and I are off on the road drinking, partying,
Steve Lemme:
That,
Kevin Heffernan:
Doing comedy.
Steve Lemme:
That makes it sounds like
Kevin Heffernan:
We’re just, and they’re home working. Take care of your
Steve Lemme:
Kids. We’re working too.
Kevin Heffernan:
I know. I’m just kidding. Of course. I
Steve Lemme:
Know that. You know. And I have have driven some 1000 plus miles on this road trip.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. Almost 2000 miles. Okay, there
Steve Lemme:
You go.
Kevin Heffernan:
I mean, we’ve done some serious driving.
Steve Lemme:
We’ve been driving
Kevin Heffernan:
And No, no, I’m not trying to belittle what we are doing. I mean, it’s working. But
Steve Lemme:
A couple of days ago when your wife called up, she actually was cheerful. She was like, Hey, yeah, how’s it going? Right. And it was a very different phone call.
Kevin Heffernan:
Sure. At that time, I think
Steve Lemme:
It sounds like she’s tired again
Kevin Heffernan:
That Yeah. It’s good to have another set of hands there to take care of the kids. You know what I’m saying? Yeah. And when you’re doing it so low, sure
Steve Lemme:
It
Kevin Heffernan:
Becomes exponentially more
Steve Lemme:
Difficult. But doesn’t it get easier as the kids get older and can maybe self, self-care?
Kevin Heffernan:
Well, there’s certain ways it is easier. And there’s certain ways where it is harder in the sense that now they’re older and they have more activities and you have to chauffeur them around more places and they have more in their social calendar. No, you’re not changing diapers or getting people dressed. Sure. But there’s still, it never ends lemi. That’s what my dad tells me. My dad who turned 77 on Friday,
Steve Lemme:
Happy birthday, big Mike. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
And he said it never ends. Parenting never ends, man.
Steve Lemme:
Sure. What’s the joke I heard the other day in your dad’s case? I can’t remember how old your bigger, your oldest brother is. Yeah. Let’s say he’s 50.
Kevin Heffernan:
My oldest brother.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Let’s just say he’s 50. Okay. That if your parents were asked, is parenting hard? They would be just the first 50 years.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay.
Steve Lemme:
Got it. There you go. That’s the old dad
Kevin Heffernan:
Joke. But bu But it is even beyond that, right? Yeah. But you’re always parenting
Steve Lemme:
Happy Mother’s Day.
Kevin Heffernan:
Happy Mother’s
Steve Lemme:
Day to, I mean, we’re a couple days late, but happy. But you know what though? Alright. It should be Mother’s Day every day.
Kevin Heffernan:
How about this, if you were going to do a redo on what you were eating at the top of the episode, what would you say? Oh,
Steve Lemme:
Kev. I would do a cream cheese and jelly sandwich.
Kevin Heffernan:
Is that what your mom used to
Steve Lemme:
Make you? My mom used to make me cream cheese and jelly sandwich and she would cut it up into 16 little pieces.
Kevin Heffernan:
16 pieces? Yeah. What is that? Like a bite? Just a bite? Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
They’re little bite-sized pieces. 16. 16 pieces. You know, it’s you go chop, chop, that’s the four and four. Right. And then you chop, chop, and then chop Chop.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay.
Steve Lemme:
And so now you get the,
Kevin Heffernan:
Seems like too much, too many pieces.
Steve Lemme:
16 pieces. I know to a guy you would seem that way. Yeah. But it was actually a perfect sandwich and you would eat all the outside pieces first.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. The crust is the
Steve Lemme:
Worst. You get the crusty piece, and then you have the middle pieces, which are just pure cream cheese and jelly. Sure. And you’d attack that second.
Kevin Heffernan:
Wow.
Steve Lemme:
Okay. Now I’m sure even eating in that anal fashion is probably something that bothers
Kevin Heffernan:
You. No. Bother me at all. Understand. Doesn’t bother me at all. I appreciate that. And as you got older, did the pieces reduced in number or did it always stay at 16?
Steve Lemme:
I stopped. I probably stopped eating 16 piece sandwiches around the time I stopped eating cream cheese and jelly sandwiches.
Kevin Heffernan:
Really? Okay. So you don’t make that for your kids.
Steve Lemme:
I will make that for my kids. They’re not really there yet where they want cream cheese and jelly or peanut butter and jelly. They haven’t gotten there yet.
Kevin Heffernan:
Still. They haven’t gotten there yet. What do you mean?
Steve Lemme:
Meaning they’re still experimenting with foods and still new foods seem weird to them. Like the older one. Right. The seven year old, he’s starting to branch out now with his taste. Sure.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay.
Steve Lemme:
But he likes a grilled cheese sandwich.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay, sure. But that’s
Steve Lemme:
The only sandwich he really likes.
Kevin Heffernan:
But you were probably eating the cream cheese jelly sandwich at age seven. Right?
Steve Lemme:
That’s probably my earliest memory of something like that. I don’t really remember if six very well, sure. I remember seven better than I remember six. Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
My kids won’t eat tuna fish casserole.
Steve Lemme:
Why won’t they eat tuna fish casserole?
Kevin Heffernan:
They don’t. They don’t like it.
Steve Lemme:
They don’t like tuna.
Kevin Heffernan:
They do. They kind of like tuna and they like pasta. You know what I mean? You kind of put it together. That’s basically what it is. They just don’t like it. I don’t know why. My mom was out recently and I think to please me. She made a batch of it and I was on and ate it. Only one. My kids won’t eat it.
Steve Lemme:
Tuna hot. Tuna is not my favorite thing.
Kevin Heffernan:
That’s the thing. I think it’s acquired taste Hot tuna. What now? You have tuna melts. Tuna melts are delicious.
Steve Lemme:
I bet you have never seen me eat more than five tuna melts in my life.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. I don’t know. I’m saying I haven’t been counting.
Steve Lemme:
I love cold tuna. Like you know me. I like a good
Kevin Heffernan:
Tuna fish. Well, I know you, you’re a big tuna guy. I’m just saying
Steve Lemme:
I like a tuna fish sandwich. Maybe
Kevin Heffernan:
I’ll, I’ll have Jane make you some tuna fish cashflow.
Steve Lemme:
Listen now, Jane, you like it Jane? To me, Jane is one of my, I’d say she’s my third mom. Okay. Because I have a second mom. Okay. Bellin’s mom. Sure. Okay. But I’d say Jane slots right into the third. Right? The third mom spot.
Kevin Heffernan:
Sure. And if she made that tuna fish casual, you’d have some
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. To be nice. Because Jane, I’ve gone to the Matt for Jane Heffernan. Sure.
Kevin Heffernan:
I know.
Steve Lemme:
In Boston I defended your mom’s aunt. Oh,
Kevin Heffernan:
I know. That’s a great story. We should tell that
Steve Lemme:
Story. I defended your mom’s honor in Boston and I would murder somebody if they insinuated anything towards Jane Heffernan that I found to be untoward.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. I’d
Steve Lemme:
Murder a motherfucker.
Kevin Heffernan:
Thank you. Wow. That’s
Steve Lemme:
Very nice. Yeah, nobody fucked. I mean, as they found out in Boston, I’m willing to expose my private parts in. That’s a
Kevin Heffernan:
Great story.
Steve Lemme:
And
Kevin Heffernan:
We’ll tell that story. We’ll tell that story.
Steve Lemme:
But Jane Heffernan’s an angel. Angel on this earth.
Kevin Heffernan:
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Steve Lemme:
And now we’re
Kevin Heffernan:
Acting part and Happy Mother’s Day. I know. Happy
Steve Lemme:
Mother’s after Jane Heffernan.
Kevin Heffernan:
Let’s get back to Mother’s Day a second.
Steve Lemme:
Okay. Okay. Do we need to,
Kevin Heffernan:
Don’t you want to plug our dates? We have more dates coming out. Sure.
Steve Lemme:
Always want to plug our dates.
Kevin Heffernan:
I mean, let’s see. This’ll come out and then in the middle of the week, and then we have four dates after that. Yeah, we sure do. People need to go to them. Yeah. Even though they might be sold out, but no, maybe
Steve Lemme:
Not. Well, we know a couple sold that
Kevin Heffernan:
We’ll say. Yeah. So anyway, so coming up show is coming up, right? We’re just finishing Minnesota tonight. It’s going to be great. We’re going to have a great time. Mother’s Day. Yeah. Going to, let’s going to hug everybody in the line.
Steve Lemme:
Just the moms. Just the mums. Just
Kevin Heffernan:
The moms. And then the next week, the 19th of May, which is Sunday night. Yeah. We will be in Portland at the Aladdin Theater. Portland, Oregon. Portland O
Steve Lemme:
Portland, o r,
Kevin Heffernan:
Portland. And then the next night we will be in Tacoma, Tacoma, Washington. The setting of our television show. Tacoma FD
Steve Lemme:
First show sold out immediately. Second show. Still a couple seats left. Yeah. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Think there’s seats left for the second show at the Tacoma Comedy Club. Probably like
Steve Lemme:
25 seats left. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Think maybe. I think they got to go. Yeah, we’re right. It might not, by the time this thing airs, might not have any
Steve Lemme:
Left. That’s true. That’s true.
Kevin Heffernan:
So I don’t know. Give it a shot. Try the next night, the 21st.
Steve Lemme:
Yes. We will
Kevin Heffernan:
Be in Boulder,
Steve Lemme:
Colorado. Yes.
Kevin Heffernan:
Great town.
Steve Lemme:
Great town
Kevin Heffernan:
At the Boulder Theater. And we think we were going to have some special guests with us.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. We’re trying to figure out the logistics, but I mean, regardless, there’s going to be special guests in the house. Yeah. This much I know for sure. Yeah. And it’s just a question of whether or not those special guests can, how special they can be.
Kevin Heffernan:
Drag their sorry asses on stage. That’s it. Is that what we’re going to say? That’s
Steve Lemme:
Exactly right. That’s exactly right.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. That’s fair enough.
Steve Lemme:
That’s just a matter if they get there in time. Sure.
Kevin Heffernan:
So you don’t want to miss that people No, that’s okay. That’s Colorado. Listen, the last show on the tour. Yeah. This little mini tour will be in New York City and it’ll be on May 23rd Thursday at the Bowery Ballroom. He
Steve Lemme:
Famed Bowery
Kevin Heffernan:
Ballroom. He famed Bowery Ballroom, which would be a down and dirty show.
Steve Lemme:
It’ll be a rock and roll show, like a
Kevin Heffernan:
Dirty rock and roll show. Yeah. But heifer and let me.com for tickets. Yeah, check it out. We’ll be tweeting about it. We’ll be face booking about it. We’ll be Insta Graming about it.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Now here’s the thing. I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I think those four shows may be our last shows for a long time.
Kevin Heffernan:
Well, I mean, I guess if you think about it, I mean, the hope is that we will be working on a second season of Tacoma fd and that would start immediately. And once that starts, then we go back in the hole again.
Steve Lemme:
Then we go back in the hole. And then the hope is that when we wrap the season two of Tacoma fd, if that happens, then we go right into Super Troopers three.
Kevin Heffernan:
Woo. That’d be great.
Steve Lemme:
That’s the hope. And then the hope after that is that you get another season of Tacoma fd and then we’re just, now we’re talking about
Kevin Heffernan:
Then we’re busy. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, we’re talking about the Super Troopers thing now and with the good people of Fox and trying to figure that all out. And that would be, yeah, that’d be ideal if we could do that.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. So anyway, if you have the desire to see us live, or if you’ve ever had the desire to see us live, or even if you don’t have the desire to see us live, this is it for a little
Kevin Heffernan:
While. Get off your asses,
Steve Lemme:
But for some time
Kevin Heffernan:
For and come out and see us. Yeah. Okay. So those are the dates. We talked about it last week. This week we’ll be at the Upfronts in New York City, which is where the network’s kind of trot out all their shows for the advertisers. We’re hoping we get renewed by then. Yeah. We’re hearing. Who knows? I mean, we’re hearing that. We’re hoping that’s going to happen, but hasn’t happened yet.
Steve Lemme:
We haven’t heard anything.
Kevin Heffernan:
We have a lot of, I guess a lot of corporate layers to go through before we get the Yes. Yeah. So we’re waiting on that. We’ll see.
Steve Lemme:
Are you going to go to New York? If you haven’t heard by then,
Kevin Heffernan:
I guess I will. I’m
Steve Lemme:
Not
Kevin Heffernan:
You’re out.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah, I’m out.
Kevin Heffernan:
The question is, yeah, how much goodwill do we garner by doing this? These jumping through hoops before we’re picked up?
Steve Lemme:
The problem is there, we’re always worried about all the goodwill that we we’re trying to maintain. Relations. What about the bad will
Kevin Heffernan:
You want it to be bad will guy? Well, what
Steve Lemme:
About our goodwill?
Kevin Heffernan:
Right. Maybe I’m Goodwill guy. You’re a bad will guy.
Steve Lemme:
Fine,
Kevin Heffernan:
Goodwill, bad will
Steve Lemme:
Fine. I’ll do it. You know, that’s a great idea for a movie. Two guys named Will, one’s Goodwill, one’s bad will
Kevin Heffernan:
Sure. Yeah. Goodwill, bad
Steve Lemme:
Will. And they’ll do will hunting. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
Bad will hunting. Yeah. Anyway, that’s kind of what we have coming up here in the next couple weeks. And in the meantime, we’re still here. We’re in Minnesota getting heavier, fatter, and more out of shape by
Steve Lemme:
The day. The most out of shape and the heaviest I am, the heaviest I’ve ever been.
Kevin Heffernan:
Why do we keep Dr, we keep drinking every night. Why are we doing that? Well, I mean, it’s not good for your health. We,
Steve Lemme:
You know what it is.
Kevin Heffernan:
I mean, we drank a lot in Milwaukee. We drank a lot in everywhere we went. Chicago, we drank a lot. We drank a lot in Des
Steve Lemme:
Moines. We drank a lot in Chicago the first, we had friends come to the show. We drank a good amount in Milwaukee because that’s what people do in Milwaukee.
Kevin Heffernan:
And it is amazing how many fucking bars are in Milwaukee. You just walk around Milwaukee. It’s like, it’s not even a bar in every corner. It’s like three bars in every corner. You know what
Steve Lemme:
I mean? Yeah. It’s unbelievable. They have extra corners for all the corner bars. I mean, you and I were walking back to the hotel in our defense, we didn’t really go crazy at the venue and we were planning on either driving to Minneapolis or calling it a night. But it’s like we kept walking by fun bar after fun bar. And finally when we got to our destination, we’re like, well, we can go to that bar right there. That’s just right there. Then we had some beers, and then we played some games and
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. Then we died of a heart attack.
Steve Lemme:
Then I was eating three hard boiled eggs and yogurt at two in the morning.
Kevin Heffernan:
That was your late night stack, right? Yeah. It’s such a bad call. Give me a three hard boiled eggs,
Steve Lemme:
Please. Such a bad call. I saw them there. I was like, Hey, I haven’t had a hard boiled egg in a while. And they come by the three. So then you’re like, well, I’ll just eat one and let’s the other two go
Kevin Heffernan:
A three pack. I got a ham and cheese sandwich. Yeah. That’s
Steve Lemme:
Pretty normal.
Kevin Heffernan:
I guess
Steve Lemme:
So. Although the next day you were worse off than I was. In terms of
Kevin Heffernan:
In terms what?
Steve Lemme:
Farting, just in terms of your general in
Kevin Heffernan:
Terms of
Steve Lemme:
Burping aroma. Your aroma.
Kevin Heffernan:
That’s not the Ham G sandwich. That’s the beer man.
Steve Lemme:
Okay, well, whatever. That’s all the
Kevin Heffernan:
Beer I drank
Steve Lemme:
Or no. And then we got to Minneapolis and we didn’t go crazy last night at all. We just had ourselves. No,
Kevin Heffernan:
But we went to a bar and we had some beers and
Steve Lemme:
Well, we had two beers. A piece were,
Kevin Heffernan:
I had tall boys. So was that kind of fair enough?
Steve Lemme:
Fair enough. So two and a half beers a piece. But I
Kevin Heffernan:
Had 32 ounces of beer. Sure. Last
Steve Lemme:
Night, speaking for myself. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Was on a quiet night.
Steve Lemme:
We were so tired. Super tired. We could barely speak to each other. Do
Kevin Heffernan:
You think it’s, we’re too old for this touring shit?
Steve Lemme:
No, it’s because, oh shit. You hear that people Remember when I said we weren’t going to be touring for a while?
Kevin Heffernan:
No, I’m
Steve Lemme:
Just kidding. We blamed it on the project.
Kevin Heffernan:
No, no. I like touring. It’s just, but it is grueling. It’s like, but
Steve Lemme:
It’s the problem.
Kevin Heffernan:
You don’t live well. You don’t eat well. You don’t, wow. Wow. Wow. We sound like a bunch of pussies. I’m not going to complain anymore. Things are good, man.
Steve Lemme:
Okay. You’re right. Let’s not
Kevin Heffernan:
Complain. Things are good. I Things are holy.
Steve Lemme:
We are, you know what? We have become a couple of negative things said,
Kevin Heffernan:
What are a couple of bitches?
Steve Lemme:
We are, no, we really are. We really are. Like, we go out. We go
Kevin Heffernan:
Out. Life’s good. Life’s good. We
Steve Lemme:
Just
Kevin Heffernan:
Bitch about that. It’s fun. It’s fun to go on the road. Life
Steve Lemme:
Is fucking
Kevin Heffernan:
Great. Life
Steve Lemme:
Is great. Happy
Kevin Heffernan:
There. Happy Mother’s Day. Hey, we were going to talk about some Mother’s Day stuff. Yeah. I told the story about how my mom, my wife said, I’m not your mother.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. But she’s somebody else’s
Kevin Heffernan:
Mother. Yeah, that’s what I said. Yeah. My, the mother of my children. Yeah. She said, well, let them wish me happy you Mother’s day then. But that, I mean, and I was like, will they? I hope
Steve Lemme:
They do. God, you guys are perfect for each other. You guys are just perfect.
Kevin Heffernan:
Well, she wished her mother’s happy mothers, and I wish my mother happy.
Steve Lemme:
Okay, good. I wished my wife’s a happy Mother’s Day. My wife’s Yeah. Happy. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Wish my wife’s, and she’s like, I ain’t your mother, bitch.
Steve Lemme:
No. She said, thanks. Okay. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
Thank you.
Steve Lemme:
She’s sad I’m not there. And then
Kevin Heffernan:
She was like, thanks for coming. You were telling me this is a, that’s, this is a setup. It’s all setup.
Steve Lemme:
Well, I mean, the cynical part of me, look, it’s what I have realized is that when I go all out for Mother’s Day, it’s just an investment in Father’s Day. So
Kevin Heffernan:
You’re looking for some reciprocation.
Steve Lemme:
Well, I’m just saying that it feels like, not that it’s bad, but moms get a lot of love. I mean, obviously it’s like,
Kevin Heffernan:
And they deserve it. Lemy, they
Steve Lemme:
Do deserve it. They bring life into the world. But I’m just saying that’s correct. Father’s Day is really the one day a year. I know my wife might make the case that Mother’s Day is her one day a year, but
Kevin Heffernan:
Mother’s Day is a much bigger holiday than Father’s Day. Father’s Day is like a bullshit. Oh, is today Father’s Day? And you forget about that. Yeah. When’s
Steve Lemme:
Father’s Day? What month is Father’s Day? June,
Kevin Heffernan:
I think it is sometime. Yeah. And then you forget about it. Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
But Father’s Day, my wife really takes care of me on Father’s Day. And so Oh really? Because
Kevin Heffernan:
Of what you did on Mother’s Day.
Steve Lemme:
But I’ve discovered that that’s what it is.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. So now you’re not going to get shit this
Steve Lemme:
Year. Now I’m fucked for Father’s Day. Yeah. I’m fucked for Father’s Day. But look, here I am, I suppose on Mother’s Day, I’ve got the day off and she’s still working. True kids. I mean, although I am working tonight,
Kevin Heffernan:
But you don’t have the day off. You’re going
Steve Lemme:
To go perform. And my body is physically exhausted
Kevin Heffernan:
For thousands of people tonight.
Steve Lemme:
And I have a hernia.
Kevin Heffernan:
You got a hernia?
Steve Lemme:
I have a hernia from working so
Kevin Heffernan:
Hard. You do.
Steve Lemme:
That’s like, I worked so hard. You’re
Kevin Heffernan:
Getting better though.
Steve Lemme:
Right? I dropped a nut.
Kevin Heffernan:
I know, but she probably took care of you as you convalesced.
Steve Lemme:
She did. Oh my God. Did she ever, did she ever, but then get
Kevin Heffernan:
Your ass back in bed.
Steve Lemme:
I’d be there. She would get mad at me when I got out of bed. Yeah. But then she and
Kevin Heffernan:
The boys, I need to get that thing back in shape.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Well, that’s the other problem is that my poor neglected wife.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah,
Steve Lemme:
I know. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
I hear
Steve Lemme:
You. Just, her husband’s a shell of himself walking around half. Sure.
Kevin Heffernan:
But I’m not even home. But when he is home, there’s nothing he can do. But I’ll
Steve Lemme:
Tell you what, her husband is a film and television star on the number one new comedy series. You know what? I’m dedicated my, I’m going to make a mid-year resolution. Oh
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. What is that?
Steve Lemme:
I’m done bitching and complaining.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. No more bitching and completely.
Steve Lemme:
No. You know what? Life is fantastic. It is. And there are many people who don’t have as much to be happy about as I do. Sure. And yet
Kevin Heffernan:
They are embrace it,
Steve Lemme:
Less cynical and rousy than I am. I know. I know. And I’m done being cynical and rousy.
Kevin Heffernan:
In that vein, we were talking about happy memories of your mom. Oh yeah. Why don’t we turn this to the positive?
Steve Lemme:
Well,
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. And talk about a good mom story.
Steve Lemme:
If I’m getting heartfelt,
Kevin Heffernan:
I don’t even need to get heartfelt.
Steve Lemme:
Don’t worry. I’ll just say what I need to say. Okay. If you can criticize me afterwards, you fucking asshole. If I’m getting heartfelt, I will say my mom is responsible for all my creative side. Really? Okay. She played piano. She was an artist. She was, what does that mean? A sculpture? What’s your father? Well, I did get his personality. What do you mean? What do you mean? I got my dad’s personality. Yeah. Okay. That’s more like it. Okay. But my mom was the one who brought us to Shakespeare in the park. So as we’re exposed to a young Meryl Streep and Taming of the Shrew, and also a young Kevin Klein in the Pirates of Penzance, which is not Shakespeare. Gordon Sullivan. It’s Shakespeare, the Pirates of Pens. It’s not
Kevin Heffernan:
Shakespeare. Is that Shakespeare?
Steve Lemme:
But that is Gilbert and Solomon. No, you have all the details incorrect. But that was my inspiration. That’s when I got the acting bug. Oh. At a young age when I saw young Kevin Klein. Sure. So my mom was responsible. She really was the creative artist in the family. Got
Kevin Heffernan:
It. Got it.
Steve Lemme:
So I’ve positive memories of her.
Kevin Heffernan:
Got
Steve Lemme:
It. Like that. We’d put on plays for
Kevin Heffernan:
Sure. Sure. My mom was a more inspirational on the creative side too.
Steve Lemme:
Well, your mom was kind of a, I mean, as I understand it, your mom was a pageant winner. No,
Kevin Heffernan:
She was back in her day. Yeah, back in her day. Back in her day. What was she? I don’t know. They sing and dance or anything. I don’t know.
Steve Lemme:
Was Connecticut? Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
Runner up or something like that. Because
Steve Lemme:
One’s like, I know there’s Miss America, miss Universe, but one is a just a How hot are you contest? And the other is a talent contest. Yeah. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Don’t think we did a talent contest.
Steve Lemme:
So your mom was just in the, how hot are you contest? I
Kevin Heffernan:
Think so.
Steve Lemme:
One of my favorite memories of your mom is when we were at your house one weekend in Connecticut and your mom busted out of some of those pictures. Photos. And your dad got Randy. Yeah. He had a couple cocktails in him and he was up at the top of the stairs trying to get her to come up. And she even came back down and was like, oh, big Mike is, he’s in a mood now that I showed those pictures. I’m waiting for him to fall asleep. I enjoyed that. Yeah. Do you remember that evening?
Kevin Heffernan:
I think I do. Yeah. I think I remember that. Yeah. Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
It’s fun. It was fun to turn back the clock. Sure,
Kevin Heffernan:
Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. The story you referenced before the Boston story. We’ve told that story before. Defending the honor of my mother. Yeah. I mean, the quick version was that we were going to promote Super Troopers
Steve Lemme:
One
Kevin Heffernan:
One right
Steve Lemme:
At the House of Blues
Kevin Heffernan:
At the of Blues in Boston. And we we’re going to go there and introduce a band. It was like a night with band. We’re going to introduce a band on stage, say hi to everybody, and then get out of there.
Steve Lemme:
Now, the way that potentially works is that Fox Searchlight paid the House of Blues to have us go up there and say, Hey, we’re from Super Troopers, this movie coming out.
Kevin Heffernan:
Nobody knew who the fuck we were, we from. Nobody had seen Super Troopers yet. Hadn’t come out yet.
Steve Lemme:
So we have reserved the right to, I mean, we’ve paid to go and talk about Supert Troopers at the House of Blues.
Kevin Heffernan:
And as my parents are wanted to do, they come along on all of these things. And so they came up to Boston to see the screening and to hang out. And so they were with us and they were tagging along to the House of Blues. We all went over there and it was us and my parents and our tour manager and all kinds of folks. And we walked up to the front door of the House of Blues, and we all walked in and they asked for id. We had to show our IDs to get in there. And then my mom walked up and she was in her sixties at the time. And the guy asked her for her id, which is flattering at that point. Ha. And my mom was like, well, I don’t have my id. And the guy says, yeah, well, you can’t come in here. And everyone was like, wait, whatcha talking about? I was like, you need an ID to get in the building. And it’s like, she’s clearly of age. She’s my mother. Give me a fucking break. But this guy was going to be a Boston Hardass. He decided he was going to be a fucking asshole. She
Steve Lemme:
Was 60 something at that
Kevin Heffernan:
Time. Yeah. And we were there for a reason, a promotional reason. And this guy was being a fucking dick. And so we all got up in arms, the tour, our tour manager, Wilkee British guy from, he was tour manager from many bands.
Steve Lemme:
He was from, from New Castle. He
Kevin Heffernan:
Was a straight out of central casting as a tour manager.
Steve Lemme:
He’s managed the who? Yeah. The Alman brothers.
Kevin Heffernan:
He was pissed. He, he’s challenging the guy to a fight. He trying to get him down on the street, get into a fight with him because
Steve Lemme:
He knew the laws were right. If he beat that guy up on the premises of the club, that he would be in the wrong. But down on the street, there’s no
Kevin Heffernan:
Rules trying to pull him out there off the property. So anyway, this whole thing happened and we got up in arms and this guy dug in, and then finally they brought the manager of the place out and they fired the bouncer on the spot. Yeah. Big Mike was not happy about that. He was a little upset that maybe we had hurt that guy’s earning potential. But fuck him. He’s a dick. Fuck him. He’s going to be a dick fucking asshole. Asshole. And then you guys proceeded to go up on stage and pull your pants down and show your dicks to everyone in Boston as a fuck you to Boston.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. We said Boston sucks. And look, we love the city of Boston, but we were mad that night. You
Kevin Heffernan:
Did it for Jane. We
Steve Lemme:
Did it for Jane. That’s right. You got to defend your mom. I remember one time when I was a kid, my mom, I liked peanuts. The Charlie Brown Sure. Cartoons. They always kids had ear muffs in the winter episodes. And I wanted ear muffs, and I wanted Purple Ear muffs because purple was my favorite color. And I talked about how I wanted that for Christmas. Now my mom being the pragmatic person that she was realized, what’s the point of giving somebody ear muffs at Christmas time when already a couple of months of winter have gone by? Exactly. In New York City. Smart. So she just bought me a pair of Purple ear muffs. Oh, nice. And I love these purple ear muffs. Like that first night that I got them. Yeah. I slept with them on my head. Yeah. I love these purple ear muffs. I was about 10 years old at this time. Sure. Maybe 11. And I remember that when it came time for the Christmas season, my sister and I, my parents gave us each $20 to go get Christmas presents for people. And we went to a Dwayne Reed. Well, we went to the equivalent back then it was called Lampkins. Okay. And it was like a five and dime store. Sure. Okay. This makes me sound 90 years old. And
Kevin Heffernan:
I took my D out at a five and dime
Steve Lemme:
For the nette counter for a nickel.
Kevin Heffernan:
I got 52 pieces of
Steve Lemme:
Gum. Yeah. That’s the way I sound. But my sister wanted to stop there, and she’s my older sister. And I said I would wait outside. And this was on a weeknight around five sun’s starting to go down in the winter time on the hard
Kevin Heffernan:
Scrabble streets of New York City
Steve Lemme:
Breeze side. Yeah. Above the subway grate with us. You hear the subways go down below and the hot air blast up. Anyway, so she was inside there and a street gang. Yeah. Came rumbling down the street, probably about, I’d say about 15. I’m going to call them 14 year olds. Okay. So like a gaggle of 14 year olds. Like preppy?
No, no, no. Private school kids. No, no. These guys were tougher. Okay. These guys weren’t prep school kids. They were tougher. And they saw me like, Hey, what’s up? What’s up? They surrounded me and they said, you got any money on you? And I said, no, no, I don’t. And then the leader of the gang said, check ’em out, boys. And they frisked me, and they were doing a terrible job. I had 20 hours check ’em out, boys. But it was like, yeah, they kind of frisked me. And they were like, he’s clean. So then the leader of the gang looked up at my purple earmuffs and he said, what do we have here? And he took the purple earmuffs off of my head and put them on his head. And then the gang, he was like, yeah, check me out. And the gang laughed, and he was like, let’s go boys.
And they started to walk away. Right now, at that moment, the thing that was going through my head was my mom. Sure. My mom gave me those purple ear muffs damnit. And I saw red so purple. And without thinking it was an automatic reaction. I ran up and I fucking punched that guy in the face that’s right from behind. So I came around and got him on the side of the cheek and blasted him. I mean, I was smaller than him, but I blasted him. And the whole gang was like, whoa. In that moment I realized I was dead. Sure. But he turned around. I think this guy was shocked. He just took, he went Fuck you. And took the purple ear offs off his head and threw them right back in my face. Hit me in the lip. Right. Gave me a big fat lip.
Right. But that was it. And then they walked away. Okay. Fucking pussies. Anyway, so where are they now? Well, so the funny thing was is that then my sister came out and she’s like, what happened to you? And I told her the story. She’s like, yeah, right. Bullshit. And I was like, I’m serious. These guys came off and she’s like, you, whatever. You chicken shit. You’ve never punched anybody in your life. Anyway, so she and I started walking, where were you sis? And then somebody came running up to us, an adult. Right. Said young man. I saw what you did. That was very brave. And then I looked at my sister and I was validating, fuck you. Yeah, sister. Fuck you.
Kevin Heffernan:
And did you tell your mom the story?
Steve Lemme:
I did tell my mom the story. She said, I had a fat lip. She thought that was stupid of me to do. She said, next time when somebody mugs, you just let them take what they need to take.
Kevin Heffernan:
Right.
Steve Lemme:
She’s like, how many of them were that? There were a lot.
Kevin Heffernan:
I’ll
Steve Lemme:
Get you another. She said, that’s the
Kevin Heffernan:
Stupidest thing I’ve ever, I’ll get you more ear muffs. Don’t worry about it. Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
My purple ear muffs. Jesus. I still barely made it through that story without crying Queen. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Know, I know it. I love it. Well, that’s what Mother’s days I’ll Obama. I love my mom. I know. Me too. And that’s why I make a point of, I put my mom in everything she always wants. She enjoys it. They You
Steve Lemme:
Mean acting wise?
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. She enjoy being on camera. And so, particularly when my mom does, I think,
Steve Lemme:
Well, your mom’s a great actress,
Kevin Heffernan:
So Well yeah. She’s a good actress.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. No, no. If when we’re casting something, when she played, she was the, I’m just trying
Kevin Heffernan:
To give her a big head. Steve.
Steve Lemme:
She was the lunch lady and Puddle Cruiser. She
Kevin Heffernan:
Was,
Steve Lemme:
And she, you’re right. Was perfect as Marjorie.
Kevin Heffernan:
Great.
Steve Lemme:
The lunch lady.
Kevin Heffernan:
And she just was perfect. And as the elderly catch woman in the third episode of Tacoma F Day, tell you what, I enjoyed the one who wants to take a picture with you. I
Steve Lemme:
Enjoyed acting
Kevin Heffernan:
With her. Not the one who has the cat, but the woman who is taking a picture with
Steve Lemme:
You. And it was a scene where she’s supposed to kiss me on the cheek, and Jane knows for Jane and me, this is like a, we acknowledge this now, you refuse to believe it. But on each take, as will happen sometimes between an actor and an actress, you start to get more comfortable as you go through the take the kiss takes. Sure. You know, just met sometimes you’ve never kissed each other for real. Sure. And it’s like you just start to get warmed up. Right. I’m telling you, each take that cheek kiss got closer and closer to my lips.
Kevin Heffernan:
I guess so. But it was still a cheap cheek kiss
Steve Lemme:
To the point where I think Jane will be the first to admit this. By the end, it was like a, oh, captain Peni, you’re such a hero. And looking deep into my eyes,
Kevin Heffernan:
She was just acting bro.
Steve Lemme:
Fine. Whatever, bro. She did a great job. Coulda fooled me, Janie. I loved it. Let’s do another scene together. Something. Sure.
Kevin Heffernan:
I mean, we, she’s been in a Puddle cruiser. She was in Super trooper. Super trooper. She’s in one of the chicken fucker. She’s in the chicken fucker van. And they didn’t get the beer. Beer’s Club. She’s in Beer Fest. She’s in slamming Salmon, and she’s in slamming salmon and Tacoma fd. And is she in super? Yeah, she’s in Super Troopers too. Also, she’s in the background of Sure. When I drive up in the wheelchair at the mall.
Steve Lemme:
Sure. The mall scene.
Kevin Heffernan:
She is behind me and no, she’s behind Shanki back there with my daughters.
Steve Lemme:
That’s funny because the irony being that when we were raising money for Puddle Cruiser, we all sent scripts to our parents. I asked my parents if they might consider investing a couple bucks in it. And my mom asked to read the script of Public Cruiser. And when I revisited with them, she passed on the project.
Kevin Heffernan:
What was your reasoning for passing on the
Steve Lemme:
Project? She didn’t like the movie script.
Kevin Heffernan:
But why? What about it? She thought it was dirty. She thought it was,
Steve Lemme:
She just didn’t think it was funny. And she may have even thought it was crass, even though it’s relatively speaking. It’s not that crass compared to some things we’ve done. But then I had also given the script to my aunt. Her sister, or no, no. My aunt actually said, I would just like to donate to the movie. And my mom said, you should probably read the script first. And then my aunt actually did contribute anyway. But my dad, everyone was, my dad was like, Gloria, come. Why are you trying to sabotage the
Kevin Heffernan:
Movie?
Steve Lemme:
My dad invested some money. She’s like, I didn’t.
Kevin Heffernan:
Wrong with you.
Steve Lemme:
I didn’t respond to
Kevin Heffernan:
It. Is that taking the prodo produce orial kind of duty too? Seriously? I mean, it is your mom.
Steve Lemme:
My mom was always very honest with me when I tried to write a novel when I was 10 years old and I had been writing, I think I’ve told the story, but I had been reading a lot of those first deadly sins, second deadly sin books like the Lawrence Sanders crime novels. And they all started off with a murder of a victim. And then it’s a cold open to the book, if you would. And it was always a hot check being murdered. And so I tried to write a novel and the cold open, the cold open was the secretary was walking down the street late at night, and she was in high heels and a beautiful woman. And now it came time to describe her breasts. So I didn’t want to say she had huge tits, which
Kevin Heffernan:
Is what you just do in our movies now. Right, right.
Steve Lemme:
But I busted out the thesaurus. Okay. Figuring out how a way to describe this woman’s ample bosoms. Yeah. And ultimately, the word I settled on was colossal. Is colossal boobs.
Kevin Heffernan:
Was the But you didn’t write boobs, did you? I
Steve Lemme:
Did. Okay. I was 10. I thought boobs was a good word. Okay. I didn’t want to say tits. I knew that was bad. Sure, sure. That’s a bad word. But so colossal boobs was the, okay. I described anyway, so I did, she
Kevin Heffernan:
Had colossal boobs. Yeah. Okay. Good.
Steve Lemme:
That’s good. Imagine me at age 10 being like colossal. That’s
Kevin Heffernan:
The way I want to, that’s a good way to go. That’s a good word. Imagine your mom reading that. My kids tend, now, if I read a serious thing they wrote and there was a colossal boobs, I’d laugh my yeah ass off. I think it was,
Steve Lemme:
She may have, but ultimately what she did was, yeah, she told me, nice try. She said, I think you can do better. Okay. Than this. So that was like, I think that that, and so
Kevin Heffernan:
Would you go to humongous
Steve Lemme:
Fucking gargantuous
Kevin Heffernan:
Ginormous boob.
Steve Lemme:
Ginormous. Ginormous
Kevin Heffernan:
Mom. What about ginormous? This?
Steve Lemme:
Ginormous. I think you could do better solve the problem. I
Kevin Heffernan:
Think you can do a little
Steve Lemme:
Better. Anyway, so my mom has always been
Kevin Heffernan:
Monumental tits. Yeah. Not good now, still
Steve Lemme:
Tits to die for. Tits for days. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
Tits for days. Go back to the drawing part.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Yeah. I think colossal was better. Anyway, so my mom has always been a tough love in terms of the creativity. Right. She was such a creative person herself. Okay. She strove for perfection to the
Kevin Heffernan:
Point where she was
Steve Lemme:
Like, I’m not investing in this
Kevin Heffernan:
Sorry movie.
Steve Lemme:
I’m
Kevin Heffernan:
Going to pass on this
Steve Lemme:
Project. And she did, and then tried to sabotage me with her relative. But what are you going to do? That’s my mom.
Kevin Heffernan:
What are you going to do? What can you
Steve Lemme:
Do? What are you going to do? My mom had to endorse some trials and tribulations with me. Yeah,
Kevin Heffernan:
I know you were a troubled child. Let me, yeah, I was trying to think about the things that my mom had to, I don’t, there was never really that many things that she had to correct in me.
Steve Lemme:
No, you were the good
Kevin Heffernan:
Boy. I always good with that. My brother, on the other hand, your younger brother, my younger brother, he, she’d find the weed in his pocket and you know, that kind of shit. But me, I never had really had those
Steve Lemme:
Problems. Because I remember your brother was on thin ice already. He’d already gotten in trouble. He might’ve gotten in trouble at college. And then she wa was doing his laundry. Right. He was living at home. And then she found the weed and the pipe in his pocket and he got in more trouble.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. Now it wasn’t a good time for him to Yeah. I mean now, you know, it’s legal now, so Sure.
Steve Lemme:
And he’s would’ve been age. Yeah. And he’s got
Kevin Heffernan:
A job. But back then, no. Yeah, it was a different day back
Steve Lemme:
Then. Sure. Back then, like me, he was a college dropout. Right. Living at home, having his mom do his laundry. And she’s finding his drugs.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. His weeded. Now I’m saying, I never had this problem. You got into trouble a little bit more. Your mom had
Steve Lemme:
To. Oh my God, I got in plenty of trouble. I got in trouble every year. Yeah. I got in trouble every year. I mean, when I was 14, I used to, my friends and I used to sneak out of our house on school nights. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
What you out the window or were you out the back door?
Steve Lemme:
Out the back
Kevin Heffernan:
Door. All right. There was a trash door or something. Like a door.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. It’s a back door. I mean, it’s an apartment building. So front door and a back door. So it’s not a fire hazard,
Kevin Heffernan:
But the back door goes down to where they put the trash out.
Steve Lemme:
Something. Well, you put the trash out behind your back door. And that’s in the back stairwell. Yeah. Yeah. So the way our house apartment was constructed, basically the back door if you were living in a square. Yeah. It was on one corner. And my parents’ bedroom was on the other corner. So it was the easiest place to make the sneak out and sneak back in. And what I didn’t take into account, and my friends and I would sneak out during the week and we’d go and drink some beer and maybe smoke a little pot.
Kevin Heffernan:
Sure. This is what? Age? Nine?
Steve Lemme:
This is age. I’m going to say 14. Okay. And yeah, nine. We were just doing bath salts and eating people’s faces.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. That was easy. That was the good old days. Yeah. That was bad. Alright, so 14. You’re sneaking out of the house.
Steve Lemme:
And the doorman. The doorman obviously naed on me. The nighttime doorman, when I would come back and told my mom that I was sneaking out during the week. And so one night when I was coming back home, probably at relatively speaking, not too late, probably like one in the morning. Oh boy. Or two in the morning on a school night. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Like a freshman in high school or an eighth grader or something. My mom was waiting out on the corner of the street just waiting for me in her nightgown and a jacket. How
Kevin Heffernan:
Long? I mean, she had to be, if I were your parent, I’d be like, oh, he’ll probably be home around midnight. And you go out and stand there and then you don’t show up to one or two. Yeah. I mean, she must have been waiting out there for a while.
Steve Lemme:
She must’ve been. She must’ve been. That’s good.
Kevin Heffernan:
God.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Bad kid.
Kevin Heffernan:
She do. She’d grab you by the ear. She’d take you by the ear. And Greg inside.
Steve Lemme:
I was, it’s one of those things where I saw, I was like, who’s that lady out there just standing there? And I was like, oh my God. My mom.
Kevin Heffernan:
Were other guys with you or your
Steve Lemme:
No, I was alone. We had down our separate ways. Okay. I was in trouble. Yeah. I got grounded.
Kevin Heffernan:
What do you say when you walk up
Steve Lemme:
To her? There’s nothing to say.
Kevin Heffernan:
Hey mom.
Steve Lemme:
She’s like, get back inside. Did
Kevin Heffernan:
You make a up? A lot? Ah, I just had to go get some, I don’t know. Toothpaste at the local.
Steve Lemme:
No pharmacy’s, nothing to say. It’s like you’re busted with your hand in the cookie jar. Sure. No clever. No snappy answers. That’s your mom there. What can you say? You’re busted on a weak night. Does she
Kevin Heffernan:
Smack you?
Steve Lemme:
No smack. Okay. No smack. My parents didn’t believe in giving smacks. That’s probably the problem. That probably is the problem. One smack would’ve probably done me a good,
Kevin Heffernan:
Maybe a good thing. So you got inside and then she just, what happened? Did she ground you
Steve Lemme:
Then? I was grounded. I was grounded for not too long, probably like a couple weeks, but my days of sneaking out during the week were over.
Kevin Heffernan:
Oh boy. I can
Steve Lemme:
Imagine. And I was put on, it was like, I got a grounding and a warning. If that happens again, no allowance for you, no going out. You’ll be grounded for the year. That kind of thing.
Kevin Heffernan:
But you did violated again, I’m sure.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah, yeah. No, I violated it multiple times. Yeah. I was a bad kid. There was the time. I came home one night a little bit drunk. And
Kevin Heffernan:
What age is this?
Steve Lemme:
Same time. And I didn’t want to use the toilets. I didn’t want to flush the toilet
Kevin Heffernan:
That would alert them to know that somebody was home. I had
Steve Lemme:
Just come home late.
Kevin Heffernan:
Why didn’t you just piss in the toilet and not flush the toilet? I
Steve Lemme:
Should have done that. Or I could even peed in the sink, but instead I peed in the cat’s litter box.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. That’s stupid.
Steve Lemme:
It’s so stupid. And it was kind of like a brown brownout situation where the next day, I didn’t really remember it, but I was sitting there watching TV and eating breakfast at noon or something like that. And my mom came out and she was like, Steven, I really hate ask this next question. I said, yeah. And she’s like, did you pee in the cat’s litter box last night? And as she asked the question, I was like, oh fuck. I did. I, yeah. And I said, no. I was like, mom, how could you even ask me a question like that? Right. She was like, I know. I know. It’s just so much of it. Yeah. And she said, anyway, well, I think one of the cats is sick. It’s probably, that’s Prince Charming. That was my cat. He always had little bladder problems. Yeah. She said, so why don’t you take him to the vet? So then I had to take the cat to the vet for no reason. For no reason. And the cat was looking at me. He knew he was getting poked in because of me. And he fucking Sure. He was
Kevin Heffernan:
Like, fuck you.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. We both knew the truth. We both knew the truth.
Kevin Heffernan:
Huh. So,
Steve Lemme:
Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah, you were a pain in the ass, weren’t you? I
Steve Lemme:
Mean, I could keep
Kevin Heffernan:
Rolling off. I’m sure you could could go through a bunch of ’em. I mean, I wish I had stories like that. I don’t think I was that
Steve Lemme:
You weren’t the problem.
Kevin Heffernan:
I wasn’t the problem. Her
Steve Lemme:
Pride and joy. Are you her pride and joy?
Kevin Heffernan:
I don’t know that I am. Yeah. I don’t know that I am.
Steve Lemme:
But you’re one of the responsible children in your family.
Kevin Heffernan:
I guess I’m responsible, but my sister is probably the pride and joy. The only daughter. But that’s okay. I don’t need to be the pride, joy. Let me,
Steve Lemme:
My mom busted me. There’s one time, it was the following summer when I was 15 here. This will be a doozy. This will all sum it up.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay.
Steve Lemme:
For my mom when Good.
Kevin Heffernan:
We’re getting there. So this could be the you year.
Steve Lemme:
It was the year that my friends and I had all started doing cocaine.
Kevin Heffernan:
Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Steve Lemme:
And is
Kevin Heffernan:
It the same year? 14, 15.
Steve Lemme:
- Okay. And it was the following year. Yeah. And it was New York City in the eighties. We were doing cocaine. And now on the weekends I was sleeping till 4:00 PM And so my mom and also I had just gotten busted cheating at
Kevin Heffernan:
New York City School. Okay. I wish
Steve Lemme:
We’ve talked about it. And was now on my way to the boarding school in Colorado. Right. And so can
Kevin Heffernan:
You imagine your parents were at that point where probably We
Steve Lemme:
Failed. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
We lost
Steve Lemme:
Me. Where did I go wrong? We failed him. There was so much promise. Yeah. I should have stayed in
Kevin Heffernan:
Argentina. Now he’s doing coke and
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Well, they didn’t know I was doing coke. Okay. So yet, yeah, they’re about to find out in the timeline of this story. So my dad was actually out of town. He was on a business trip, and my friend Alex called up one of my Coke buddies and he was going on vacation for the summer. And when he got back, I was going to be gone at boarding school.
Kevin Heffernan:
So
Steve Lemme:
He called up, my mom answered the phone, and she said, Hey, Alex is on the phone. And so I picked up a different line and he said, Hey, listen, you’re taking off and when I get back, you’re going to be gone for boarding school, so maybe we should celebrate tonight, light it up. And he’s like, you want to go in for a gram? And I was like, yeah, sure. Let me go ask my mom for some money. And so I walked around the apartment and my mom met me halfway. And the irony was also, he was like, is your mom listening on the phone? Did she hang up the other line? I was like, oh no. She definitely hung up. We don’t do that in this family and we’re on the trust system here. And so she met me halfway and I was like, mom, can I have 50 bucks to go out tonight?
She said, no. I said, oh, well, can I borrow $50 to go out tonight? She said, no. And I was like, can I go out tonight? And she said No. I was like, oh. And I was like, I got back in the phone. I was like, my mom’s being a real bitch for some reason, probably because my dad’s out of town, whatever it was. Yeah. So the next morning I woke up at a reasonable hour and my mom said, I did something I’ve never done before. I listened in on your phone conversation with Alex last night, and I had that awful feeling, my stomach again. She said, what were you planning on buying? And I realized my mom was, she was a pure person. She had never smoked pot. She had never done cocaine, she’d never done drugs. Even she would have a teardrops worth of wine at dinner and that would make her giddy and silly. Sure. I realized she had no idea. I had never said cocaine. I’d said a gram. And so I said I was buying some pot. And she said, well, you’re in trouble. All this stuff. And I said, you can’t come down on me for using pot. You’ve never tried it yourself. She said, well, get me some. And so I wound up getting my mom some pot. Right.
Kevin Heffernan:
And
Steve Lemme:
I came home. Yeah. One night. And after being out, and she and my sister were watching Saturday Night Live, and I dropped a bag of weeded in her lap. And I said, all right, mom, I got you the weeded. And now my sister ran and got a camera. Okay. And I went and got my bong and I brought that up. My mom did not seeing the bong. She’s like, what
Kevin Heffernan:
Is this? And where did this come
Steve Lemme:
From? So I had to explain the bong to her, and I explained the carb. I was like, so this is the carb. You have to put your thumb on it. She said, why do they call it the carb? She said, it’s short for carburetor. She said, why do they call it carburetor? I’m like, I don’t know, mom, just put your fucking thumb on it.
Kevin Heffernan:
So the asking so many questions.
Steve Lemme:
And so my mom wound up pulling five bong hits. Okay. She really went for it. And then we were sitting there with her. My sister was drinking spring water and had pretzels. And first my mom said, whose water is that? And my sister was like, it’s mine. It’s been here the whole time. She said, can I have some? So she started drinking the water. Then she said, who’s pretzels those? My sister was like, they’re my pretzels. I’ve been eating the whole time. So she started eating the pretzels, and then I went to put my bong away. She kept the weed, by the way. She said, that will stay here with me. Okay. I went and put my bong away. And when I came back out, she was passed out on the couch. And then we never spoke of it again until a few days later when a big envelope from Phoenix House arrived. And it was all a different drug information. I was like, mom, I’m not a junkie. Oh,
Kevin Heffernan:
What’s Phoenix is a rehab
Steve Lemme:
Place. It’s a rehab center. Okay. And she just said the weed felt like molasses in her veins and she could still feel it in her body. Oh God. And anyway, bullshit. She had
Kevin Heffernan:
A weed party with your father.
Steve Lemme:
I know. Seriously. I never got that
Kevin Heffernan:
Weed back again from the up back.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. Anyway, that’s a good one. That’s a good Mother’s Day story. That’s
Steve Lemme:
Happy Mother’s Day.
Kevin Heffernan:
See what mothers endure.
Steve Lemme:
That’s, listen, they don’t tell you how vulnerable you’re going to be Yeah. When you’re a parent. But that’s one of the things, it’s like when you have a problem child.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. Who’s
Steve Lemme:
Causing me problems. Although my mom did say later on in life that she knew that ultimately I would be okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah. And
Steve Lemme:
She said, you’re a pretty savvy guy.
Kevin Heffernan:
You’ve
Steve Lemme:
Worked it out and you, I’ve always known you had a good heart and you were just a little wild. Sure. They needed to live a wildlife.
Kevin Heffernan:
Right.
Steve Lemme:
And I said, you got that right, honey.
Kevin Heffernan:
That’s right, sweetheart, you still going? Still going at
Steve Lemme:
It. I will tell you one thing. You just
Kevin Heffernan:
Seen me in Milwaukee the other night. I
Steve Lemme:
Will tell you one thing. Yeah. I’ll tell you one thing. Yeah. I do have a dude on my Aria Stark kill list. There’s a dude, because my mom was a teacher at my school and I was 10 years old. And one of her students, I think at that point, he must have been, let’s see, he was five years older than me, so he was in high school and I was in the stairwell at my school and he stopped me in the school. He said, are you Ra Lemi kid? And I said, yeah. And he said, oh yeah. Well, your mom’s a bitch.
Kevin Heffernan:
Whoa.
Steve Lemme:
Fuck. I’ve never forgotten who that kid is.
Kevin Heffernan:
You can tell his name
Steve Lemme:
And no, I won’t tell his name between me and him.
Kevin Heffernan:
Is it a famous name?
Steve Lemme:
No. Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
No, I know you went to that fancy high school.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. It’s not like It’s Diana
Kevin Heffernan:
Tom Broca’s kid. Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
No, I know Tom m Broga just had daughters.
Kevin Heffernan:
Oh, okay. Whatever. I’m just, I’m wondering.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn’t, wasn’t anybody a famous
Kevin Heffernan:
Person? But you know who it is. I know who it is. And you know where they are these days.
Steve Lemme:
Probably in New York City. A lot of the New York City,
Kevin Heffernan:
What they do, who they are and what they do.
Steve Lemme:
I don’t know what he does. I have, I’ve chosen not to track him down, but I might track him down one day. Okay. And go tell him what I think of him.
Kevin Heffernan:
Stick ’em with the needle. Curb
Steve Lemme:
Him. Yeah. I’ll stick ’em with the pointy
Kevin Heffernan:
End. Is that what they, with
Steve Lemme:
Aria Stark? Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
What they call it thing. The needle. The
Steve Lemme:
Needle. Yeah. That’s what,
Kevin Heffernan:
Ooh. Are we going to watch a Game of Thrones tonight? We are
Steve Lemme:
Watching Game of Thrones tonight. Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
Alright. I’m into it. Are you excited? I am excited. Although it’s hard for me now to watch TV without the ability to pause.
Steve Lemme:
I know. And
Kevin Heffernan:
You know what I mean? Especially the Game of Thrones. There are times where I want to rewind and and watch something again. Sure.
Steve Lemme:
Well, sometimes you just don’t understand what they’re saying. You’re like, what do
Kevin Heffernan:
You say? Yeah. What a motherfucker saying. What do he say? But now I guess we’ll have the ability to be with each other and be like, Hey, he said this. Yeah. As I understand it.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. But yeah, I don’t like not being able to pause. I wish we, I wanted to record it. Yeah. I was trying. There are some, we’re in a hotel room. That’s the thing
Kevin Heffernan:
That’s the problem.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. By the way, in general, I think hotels that don’t show movies are bullshit.
Kevin Heffernan:
Is this, or is this one of them? This
Steve Lemme:
Is one of them. Oh,
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. But I, they have a standard kind of a, they don’t have the menu thing where you can get a movie.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. Sorry. But I like that. Hey, next week remind me to tell the story about my mom giving me sex advice. That’s a funny story.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. We call that a teaser. Let me,
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. That’s called a teaser.
Kevin Heffernan:
We’ll come back and check it out.
Steve Lemme:
Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
We can talk about how the upfronts went and maybe if we’re making more television shows. Sure. We will. Maybe we’ll have that information back by then.
Steve Lemme:
I’m excited for the upfronts. It’ll be nice to hang out with our castmates in New York
Kevin Heffernan:
City. Yeah, it’ll be fun. Yeah. Partying it up.
Steve Lemme:
Alright folks, maybe we’ll have some good news for you guys next week.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah, I hope so. In
Steve Lemme:
The meantime, right? Enjoy yourselves. Yeah. Don’t forget Portland, Oregon on May 19th. Tacoma on May 20th. That’s a Monday. Boulder Colorado. May 21st. That’s a Tuesday. And then Thursday, New York City at the Bowery Ballroom. All tickets@heffernanlemmy.com and get ’em all. They’re hot right now. We’re Do it up. We’re going to be done for a little while. Okay. Do
Kevin Heffernan:
It up. Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
Yo,
Kevin Heffernan:
So
Steve Lemme:
Yo, you know, I’ll tell you what I’ll, I’m going to give out, I’m going to give out hugs. I’m going to give out two hugs to all true Crew members from now on, if you’re a true Crew member.
Kevin Heffernan:
Two hugs.
Steve Lemme:
Yeah. I want you to say two hugs. I get two hugs this time for our last four shows.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. Fair enough. Okay. Fair enough. I guess I’ll give two hugs too
Steve Lemme:
Then. I’m excited to hug some moms tonight. You are?
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah.
Steve Lemme:
Okay. Moms deserve some love. I absolutely do. Happy Mother’s Day every day. Happy
Kevin Heffernan:
Mother’s Day, everyone. I hope you enjoyed Mother’s Day with us, or Mother’s Day broadcast here. Or Mother’s Day episode.
Steve Lemme:
What are you going to chew on your way out?
Kevin Heffernan:
Shit, I don’t know. What else did, did we like to eat when we were kids? I like to eat. Yeah, man. Peanut butter jelly all time. We had grilled cheese. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. We had that a lot.
Steve Lemme:
Well, yeah. Yeah. Tell me, let, let’s, let’s
Kevin Heffernan:
We your Yeah. Some, something like that. Your meals, chicken make different, various chicken dishes. Goulash.
Steve Lemme:
Goulash. Okay. Okay.
Kevin Heffernan:
My mom would make goulash. Okay. I always like that. Okay. With the hamburger in it.
Steve Lemme:
We never had goulash.
Kevin Heffernan:
No. Okay. I’m eat that. I’m eat that. On the way out. We
Steve Lemme:
Did Filet of Soul. Okay. My mom was good at cooking a soul.
Kevin Heffernan:
We had one fish dish that nobody ever liked, but yeah. My
Steve Lemme:
Mom, yeah. Soul was the one that everyone could agree on. Yeah. Sometimes she made a rack of lamb. I was not a lamb guy. I’m a lamb
Kevin Heffernan:
Guy. I like, yeah,
Steve Lemme:
She made chicken. Chicken.
Kevin Heffernan:
Yeah, sure.
Steve Lemme:
Broccoli was a big thing with us. Sure, sure. Chicken broccoli.
Kevin Heffernan:
What do you need on the way out though?
Steve Lemme:
On the way out? I think I am going to have a cream cheese and jelly sandwich.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. On the way out. That’s a good call. I’m going to go goulash milk. I’m going to go some goulash.
Steve Lemme:
Okay. Oh, you know, my mom made those really good. It was Jeremy Sue. Oh
Kevin Heffernan:
Really? Yeah. Okay, good.
Steve Lemme:
And Devil X, as you know.
Kevin Heffernan:
As I know. Yeah. And you had some last night already Had some in Milwaukee. I sure did. Well, you didn’t, yeah. Hardball eggs.
Steve Lemme:
I sure did. Yeah.
Kevin Heffernan:
Okay. Alright. Well, true crew. It’s been a pleasure once again and hope to see you at the upcoming shows and keep watching Tacoma FD and we’ll talk to you next week. Okay. Okay. Oh,
Steve Lemme:
Lemme eat the crust part
Kevin Heffernan:
First. It’s got meat in it. Mine’s got meat in it.
Steve Lemme:
Lemme save these four squares in the middle here.
Kevin Heffernan:
It’s delicious.